Голландские дети спят всю ночь

Viktorii͡a Khogland - pisatelʹ, piar-konsulʹtant i glavnyĭ redaktor Trendz, onlaĭn-media dli͡a russkoi͡azychnykh v Evrope. I͡Avli͡ai͡asʹ populi͡arnym blogerom, Viktorii͡a v svoeĭ firmennoĭ ironichnoĭ i ochenʹ smeshnoĭ manere rasskazyvaet ob istorii ėmigrat͡sii v Niderlandy, o kulʹture ėtoĭ udivitelʹnoĭ strany i o materinstve po-gollandski.'...Na velosipede i͡a katatʹsi͡a, kstati, ne umela. Zrelishche panicheskoĭ meni͡a, s vytarashchennymi glazami vili͡ai͡ushcheĭ na velodorozhke, kak pʹi͡anyĭ olenʹ, vpisano zolotymi bukvami v istorii͡u nasheĭ tikhoĭ derevni. "Izvinite, i͡a pochti zadavila vashu sobaku!" - orala i͡a na angliĭskom strogomu dedushke. "Ponimaete, ėto moĭ pervyĭ velosiped!" - donosil veter moi zhalkie opravdanii͡a do sosedki, na kotorui͡u i͡a chutʹ ne obrushilasʹ, pytai͡asʹ razvernutʹ zheleznogo koni͡a. Adri k moim ėkzersisam otnosilsi͡a spokoĭno, tolʹko prosil nikomu ne govoritʹ, chto i͡a ego zhena....Gollandskoe roditelʹstvo mne nravitsi͡a tem, chto ono takoe sniskhoditelʹno-rasslablennoe. Estʹ krokhotnyĭ chelovechek. S nim svi͡azan nabor opredelennykh deĭstviĭ. Mne kazhetsi͡a, ėto nelʹzi͡a nazyvatʹ ravnodushiem - skoree ėkonomieĭ dushevnykh sil i ėnergii. Spokoĭnym prini͡atiem svoego novogo statusa. Bez razygryvanii͡a dramy na kukhne, gde v glavnykh roli͡akh stroptivyĭ biologicheskiĭ kabachok, slomavshiĭsi͡a blender i golodnyĭ plachushchiĭ rebenok. Nravitsi͡a vam vozitʹsi͡a chasami, peremalyvai͡a ovoshchi v kashku - prekrasno! A esli net - v sosednem supermarkete pi͡atʹ polok zabity detskim pitaniem na li͡uboĭ vkus. Situat͡sii͡a razreshena, vse t͡sely, idem dalʹshe. I nikakikh tam 'chego khochet vash malysh', 'sovmestnyĭ son po trebovanii͡u', 'prirode vidnee' i prochee. Po mnenii͡u gollandt͡sev, vy rodili sebe ni chto inoe, kak shchekastyĭ kusochek pazzla, i vasha zadacha teperʹ - ustanovitʹ ego na pravilʹnoe mesto v semʹe, dopolniv vsi͡u kartinu. A ne smeshivatʹ v isterichnom pripadke ostalʹnye detali, tri͡asushchimisi͡a rukami vykladyvai͡a slovo 'vechnostʹ' iz vsem izvestnykh chetyrekh bukv'.

Victoria Hoagland is a writer, PR consultant and editor-in-chief of Trendz, an online media outlet for Russian speakers in Europe. As a popular blogger, Victoria in her trademark ironic and very funny manner tells about the history of emigration to the Netherlands, about the culture of this amazing country and about motherhood in Dutch.'...I didn't know how to ride a Bicycle, by the way. The sight of a panicked me, eyes wide, swerving on the bike path like a drunken deer, is written in Golden letters in the history of our quiet village. "Sorry, I almost ran over your dog! I yelled at my strict grandfather in English. "You see, this is my first bike!"- the wind carried my pathetic excuses to the neighbor, on whom I almost fell, trying to turn the iron horse. Adri treated my exercises calmly, only asked not to tell anyone that I was his wife.... I like Dutch parenting because it is so condescendingly relaxed. There is a tiny man. A set of specific actions is associated with it. I think this should not be called indifference – but rather an economy of mental strength and energy. Calm acceptance of your new status. Without acting out the drama in the kitchen, where the main roles are a recalcitrant biological zucchini, a broken blender and a hungry crying baby. If you like to spend hours grinding vegetables into porridge, that's fine! If not – the next supermarket has five shelves full of baby food for every taste. The situation is resolved, everyone is safe, we move on. And there is no 'what your baby wants', 'shared sleep on demand', 'nature knows best' and so on. According to the Dutch, you have given birth to nothing more than a cheeky piece of the puzzle, and your task now is to set it in the right place in the family, completing the whole picture. And not to mix in a hysterical fit the rest of the details, with shaking hands laying out the word 'eternity' from the well-known four letters'.